99+ Sue Johnson Quotes on Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships and Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love - Quotes.pub

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The more we can reach out to our partners, the more separate and independent we can be.

Psychiatrist Jonathan Shay in his book on the trauma of combat, Odysseus in America, reminds us that there are “two momentous human universals”: that we are all born helpless and dependent, and that we are all mortal and we know it. The only healthy way to deal with this vulnerability is to reach out and hold each other. Then, calmed and strengthened, we can walk out into the world.

Ultimately, these remedies are ineffectual because they don’t address the source of relationship distress: the fear that emotional connection – the font of all comfort and respite – is vanishing.

She devised a very simple experiment to look at the four behaviors that Bowlby and she believed were basic to attachment: that we monitor and maintain emotional and physical closeness with our beloved; that we reach out for this person when we are unsure, upset, or feeling down; that we miss this person when we are apart; and that we count on this person to be there for us when we go out into the world and explore.

We’ve long assumed that as we mature, we outgrow the need for the intense closeness, nurturing, and comfort we had with our caregivers as children and that as adults, the romantic attachments we form are essentially sexual in nature. This is a complete distortion of adult love.

If we love our partners, why do we not just hear each other’s calls for attention and connection and respond with caring? Because much of the time we are not tuned in to our partners. We are distracted or caught up in our own agendas. We do not know how to speak the language of attachment, we do not give clear messages about what we need or how much we care. Often we speak tentatively because we feel ambivalent about our own needs. Or.

If you know your loved one is there and will come when you call, you are more confident of your worth, your value. And the world is less intimidating when you have another to count on and know that you are not alone.

Love can begin in a thousand ways-with a glance, a stare, a whisper or smile, a compliment, or an insult. It continues with caresses and kisses, or maybe frowns and fights. It ends with silence and sadness, frustration and rage, tears, and even, sometimes, joy and laughter. It can last just hours or days, or endure through years and beyond death. It is something we look for, or it finds us. It can be our salvation or our ruin. Its presence exalts us, and its loss or absence desolates us.

We are never so vulnerable as when we love.” – Sigmund Freud.

When they felt secure with their lover, they could reach out and connect easily; when they felt insecure, they either became anxious, angry, and controlling, or they avoided contact altogether and stayed distant.

This healthy dependence is the essence of romantic love. The bodies of lovers are linked in a “neural duet.” One person sends out signals that alter the hormone levels, cardiovascular function, body rhythms, and even immune system of the other. In loving connection, the cuddle hormone oxytocin floods lovers’ bodies, bringing a calm joy and the sense that everything is right with the world. Our bodies are set up for this kind of connection.

Emotion comes from a Latin word emovere, to move. We talk of being “moved” by our emotions, and we are “moved” when those we love show their deeper feelings to us. If partners were to reconnect, they indeed had to let their emotions move them into new ways of responding to each other. My clients had to learn to take risks, to show the softer sides of themselves, the sides they learned to hide in the Demon Dialogues.

Trauma is any terrifying event that instantly changes the world as we know it, leaving us helpless and emotionally overwhelmed.

Sociologist James House of the University of Michigan declares that emotional isolation is a more dangerous health risk than smoking or high blood pressure, and we now warn everyone about these two! Perhaps these findings reflect the time-honored saying “Suffering is a given; suffering alone is intolerable.

We live in the shelter of each other.” – Celtic saying.

When we feel safely linked to our partners, we more easily roll with the hurts they inevitably inflict, and we are less likely to be aggressively hostile when we get mad at them.

I believe in the compelling power of love. I do not understand it. I believe it to be the most fragrant blossom of all this thorny existence. – Theodore Dreiser.

Jack Kornfield offers a beautiful image for our new understanding: “We can let ourselves be carried by the river of feeling – because we know how to swim.

The quality of our love relationships is also a big factor in how mentally and emotionally healthy we are. We have an epidemic of anxiety and depression in our most affluent societies. Conflict with and hostile criticism from loved ones increase our self-doubts and create a sense of helplessness, classic triggers for depression. We need validation from our loved ones. Researchers say that marital distress raises the risk for depression tenfold!

Love doesn’t just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all the time, made new. – Ursula K. Le Guin.

In a group of studies Mikulincer showed that when we feel safely connected to others we understand ourselves better and like ourselves more.

The greatest gift a parent has to give a child – and a lover has to give a lover – is emotionally attuned attention and timely responsiveness.

When we love our partner well, we offer a blueprint for a loving relationship to our children and their partners. Better relationships between love partners are not just a personal preference, they are a social good. Better love relationships mean better families. And better, more loving families mean better, more responsive communities.

Emotional Responsiveness – The Key to a Lifetime of Love A person’s “heart withers if it does not answer another heart.” – Pearl S. Buck Tim.

When marriages fail, it is not increasing conflict that is the cause. It is decreasing affection and emotional responsiveness...

The results of EFT, as measured in a multitude of studies, have been astoundingly positive – better, in fact, than the outcomes of any other therapy that has been offered.

The emotions do not deserve being put into opposition with “intelligence.” The emotions are themselves a higher order of intelligence. – O. Hobart Mowrer.

without emotion to guide us, we have no compass. We are bereft of direction and have nothing to move us toward one option rather than another. We are stuck pondering all the possibilities.

The Love Secret: The revolutionary new science of romantic relationships Quotes

Emotion is actually nature’s exquisitely efficient information-processing and signaling system, designed to rapidly reorganize behavior in the interests of survival.

The Love Secret: The revolutionary new science of romantic relationships Quotes

Love never dies of a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source, it dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds, it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings, but never of natural death. —Anaïs Nin

Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships Quotes

Her thoughts immediately brought to mind a line by Elizabeth Barrett Browning: “I shall but love thee better after death.” Some pains are sweet.

Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships Quotes

As Yogi Berra said, “If you don’t know where you’re going, you will wind up somewhere else.

Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships Quotes

The emotions do not deserve being put into opposition with “intelligence.” The emotions are themselves a higher order of intelligence. —O. Hobart Mowrer

Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships Quotes

couples’ conflicts assume their true meaning: they are frightened protests against eroding connection and a demand for emotional reengagement.

The Love Secret: The revolutionary new science of romantic relationships Quotes

For humans,” says psychologist Ed Tronick of the University of Massachusetts, “the maintenance of [emotional balance] is a dyadic collaborative process.” In other words, we are designed to deal with emotion in concert with another person—not by ourselves.

Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships Quotes

We live in the shelter of each other.” — Celtic saying

Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love Quotes

Emotion, we’ve discovered, is a sharp, smart force that organizes and elevates our lives. It is what transforms existence into experience. “I do not literally paint that table but the emotion it produces upon me,” observed Matisse.

Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships Quotes

Monogamy is not only possible, it is our natural state.

The Love Secret: The revolutionary new science of romantic relationships Quotes

I remember thinking how often we look, but never see…we listen, but never hear…we exist, but never feel. We take our relationships for granted. A house is only a place. It has no life of its own. It needs human voices, activity, and laughter to come alive. —Erma Bombeck

Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships Quotes

The key to restoring connection is, first, interrupting and dismantling these destructive sequences and then actively constructing a more emotionally open and receptive way of interacting, one in which partners feel safe confiding their hidden fears and longings.

Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships Quotes

Ultimately, these remedies are ineffectual because they don’t address the source of relationship distress: the fear that emotional connection—the font of all comfort and respite—is vanishing.

Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships Quotes

Fifty years ago noted animal researcher Harry Harlow, in an address to the American Psychological Association, observed, “As far as love or affection is concerned, psychologists have failed in their mission…The little we write about it has been better written by poets and novelists.

Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships Quotes

Seeking out and giving support are so vital to human beings that social psychologists Mario Mikulincer and Phil Shaver observe that, rather than being called Homo sapiens, or “one who knows,” we should be named Homo auxiliator vel accipio auxilium, or “one who helps or receives help.” To be even more accurate, I say we should be called Homo vinculum—“one who bonds.

Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships Quotes

As biologist Frans de Waal points out, “We would not be here today had our ancestors been socially aloof.” We have survived by caring and cooperating.

Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships Quotes

We said we’d walk together baby come what may That come the twilight should we lose our way If as we’re walkin’ a hand should slip free I’ll wait for you And should I fall behind Wait for me —Bruce Springsteen

Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships Quotes

Abide with me; fast falls the eventide; The darkness deepens; still with me abide. When other helpers fail and comforts flee, Help of the helpless, O abide with me.

Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships Quotes

Philosopher Kwame Anthony Appiah of Princeton University makes the point that, “In life, the challenge is not so much to figure out how best to play the game; the challenge is to figure out what game you are playing.

Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships Quotes

On a societal level, the most obvious implication of the new science of bonding is that we must educate for connection. The most organic way to do this is to support couples in their efforts to create loving bonds and be responsive parents. We should acknowledge, as Frans de Waal notes, that “there is no escaping the reality that we are dependent on others. It is a given. If dependency/vulnerability is recognized and handled well in loving relationships…it is the source of the best human qualities, empathy, kindness and cooperation.” We need to educate for qualities such as empathy, which is at least as relevant to health, happiness, and citizenship as arithmetic. But do we know how to teach these qualities?

Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships Quotes

In her book Alone Together, Sherry Turkle, professor at MIT, suggests that, in the last fifteen years, our tools have begun to shape us and our connection with others, so that we now “expect more from technology and less from each other.” Turkle analyzes detailed interviews with technology users and conducts formal studies on the impact of robots on them. Her studies examine a moving target. A 2010 Nielsen survey reported that the average teen sends more than three thousand text messages a month, and this surely will increase.

Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships Quotes

It’s important to emphasize that misattunement is not a sign of lack of love or commitment. It is inevitable and normal; in fact, it is startlingly common. Ed Tronick of Harvard Medical School, who has spent years absorbed in monitoring the interactions between mother and child, finds that even happily bonded mothers and infants miss each other’s signals fully 70 percent of the time. Adults miss their partner’s cues most of the time, too! We all send unclear signals and misread cues. We become distracted, we suddenly shift our level of emotional intensity and leave our partner behind, or we simply overload each other with too many signals and messages. Only in the movies does one poignant gaze predictably follow another and one small touch always elicit an exquisitely timed gesture in return. We are sorely mistaken if we believe that love is about always being in tune.

Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships Quotes

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