99+ Rodney Dangerfield Quotes on Crime, Funny and Crime - Quotes.pub

Here you will find all the famous Rodney Dangerfield quotes. There are more than 99+ quotes in our Rodney Dangerfield quotes collection. We have collected all of them and made stunning Rodney Dangerfield wallpapers & posters out of those quotes. You can use this wallpapers & posters on mobile, desktop, print and frame them or share them on the various social media platforms. You can download the quotes images in various different sizes for free. In the below list you can find quotes in various categories like Crime, Funny and Crime

I’ve been writing jokes since I’m fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn’t good to me.

My daughters been picked up so many times she’s starting to grow handles.

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, “Why are you jogging in your underwear?” He says, “You came home from work early”.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can’t.

My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.

If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.

When my wife drives, there’s always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There’s water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where’s the car? She said, In a lake.

Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy’s cheque next to me I said hey buddy I got your cheque he said thanks.

I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.

I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can’t I meet a girl with normal parents?

My son’s an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.

It’s tough to stay married. My wife says no because she’s tired then stays up and reads her book.

Book Quotes

To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

What a doctor I’ve got – he’s really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there’s definitely a hooker involved.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody’s fingers.

Real Quotes

His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.

I’m at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.

I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid’s picture that came with the wallet he bought.

My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

With my dog I don’t get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don’t want to go out. He wants me to leave.

People seldom live up to their baby pictures.

I told my wife ‘hey honey come on, let’s make love like the old days.’ She asked me for 50 bucks.

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her “you cooked it, you take it out”.

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, “Look, twins!”

Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it’s not in my act.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!

You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.

I tell ya, southern people, they always think you are hard-of-hearing. Every timr you leave they say to you, You come back, you hear? And southern people, they think you are horny too. You get directions, they say, Just up the road apiece.

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

My son’s an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?

My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit.

You know you’re ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.

I’m at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

My parents didn’t like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.

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