Where’s Lardo?” asked Charlie. Alice had just pointed under the bed, when they heard a branch snap outside. Alice and Charlie looked at each other. Another snap sent Charlie skittering across the room into the closet to hide. Alice turned off the light and lay back down in her bed to wait. A few minutes later, a shadowy figure slipped through the window, crossed quickly to the bed, and hesitated slightly before slowly sliding a hand under Alice’s pillow. That’s when Lardo made his surprise attack. Charging out from under the bed, fangs bared and back arched, he leapt at the intruder with a terrifying hiss. Alice turned on the light, and Charlie came busting out of the closet screaming bloody murder. In a flash the woman, dark haired and dressed head to toe in black, was out the window again, but Charlie grabbed her by the legs and hung on for dear life. Alice’s parents came running when they heard the commotion. “What’s going on?” her mother cried. “Who’s that hanging out the window?” “It’s the person who stole your pie, Mom. The same person who broke into the pie shop and catnapped Lardo and stole Aunt Polly’s key and —” “Can you hurry it up?” said Charlie. “I don’t think I can
In an apt demonstration of the principle of relativity, as propounded by Galileo, the bawdy platter and the steaming morsels thereon, remained in the same position, vis-à-vis Daniel, and hence were, in principle, just as edible as if he had been seated before and the pies had been resting upon a table that was stationary with respect to the fixed stars. This was true despite the fact that the carriage containing Daniel, Isaac Newton, and the pies, was banging around London. . . . Isaac, though better equipped than Daniel, or any other man alive, to understand relativity, showed no interest in his pie, as if being in a state of movement with respect to the planet Earth rendered it somehow not a pie. But as far as Daniel was concerned, a pie in a moving frame of reference was no less a pie than one that was sitting still. Position and velocity to him might be perfectly interesting physical properties, but they had no bearing on, no relationship to, those properties that were essential to “pie-ness.” All that mattered to Daniel were relationships between his—Daniel’s—physical state and that of the pie. If Daniel and pie were close together, both in position and velocity, then pie eating became a practical and tempting possibility. If pie were far sundered from Daniel, or moving at a large relative velocity, e.g. being hurled at his face, then its pie-ness was somehow impaired, at least from the Daniel frame of reference. At the time being however, these were purely scholastic hypotheticals. The pie was on his lap, and very much a pie, no matter what Isaac might think of it. Mr. Kat had lent them silver table settings and Daniel, as he spoke, tucked a napkin into his shirt collar, a flag of surrender and unconditional capitulation to the attractions of pie. Rather than laying down arms, he now picked them up, knife and fork, Isaac’s question frozen just as he poised these above the flaky top crust. . . . and he stabbed pie.