What are some Joke quotes?

"Make it dark, make it grim, make it tough, but then, for the love of God, tell a joke." - Joss Whedon "Honey, no offense, but sometimes I think I could shoot you and watch you kick." - Raymond Carver "We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart." - H.L. Mencken

What is good short Joke quote?

"It's unpleasantly like being drunk." "What's so unpleasant about being drunk?" "You ask a glass of water." - Douglas Adams

58 Joke Quotes & Sayings with Wallpapers & Posters

Q: What is the best Joke quote?

"It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one." - Rick Riordan

Q: What are some short Joke quotes?

"Getting some redecorating ideas?’ Nico asked. ‘Maybe you could do your dining room in mediaeval monk skulls.’ Hades arched an eyebrow. ‘I can never tell when you’re joking." - Rick Riordan "Reader: Dear Mr. Snicket, What is the best way to keep a secret? Lemony Snicket : Tell it to everyone you know, but pretend you are kidding." - Lemony Snicket "A philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there. A theologian is the man who finds it." - H.L. Mencken

I ought to be jealous of the tower. She is more famous than I am.

C: What do you get when a giant sneezes?Out of the way. - Marigold

Funny Quotes Giants Quotes Joke Quotes

What do you call a rifle with three barrels?A trifle.

Biggest Quotes Biggest riddle book in the world Quotes Funniest Quotes Funny Quotes Humor Quotes Humorous Quotes

As far as he could discover, there were no signs of spring. The decay that covered the surface of the mottled ground was not the kind in which life generates. Last year, he remembered, May had failed to quicken these soiled fields. It had taken all the brutality of July to torture a few green spikes through the exhausted dirt.What the little park needed, even more than he did, was a drink. Neither alcohol nor rain would do. Tomorrow, in his column, he would ask Broken-hearted, Sick-of-it-all, Desperate, Disillusioned-with-tubercular-husband and the rest of his correspondents to come here and water the soil with their tears. Flowers would then spring up, flowers that smelled of feet."Ah, humanity..." But he was heavy with shadow and the joke went into a dying fall. He trist to break its fall by laughing at himself.

Change Quotes Depression Quotes Humanity Quotes Nature Quotes Sadness Quotes / Decay Quotes Dying Quotes Fall Quotes Joke Quotes Laughing Quotes Life Quotes

Have you heard the joke about the chemist, physicist and economist who get wrecked on a desert isle, with a huge supply of canned baked beans as their only food? The chemist says that he can start a fire using the neighbouring palm trees, and calculate the temperature at which a can will explode. The physicist says that she can work out the trajectory of each of the baked beans, so that they can be collected and eaten. The economist says "Hang on guys, you're doing it the hard way. Let's assume we have a can opener.

Chemist Quotes Debunking Economics: The Naked Emperor Dethroned? Quotes Economics Quotes Economist Quotes Joke Quotes Physicist Quotes

-a Jew had to have two synagogues. One that he went to, one that he rejected.The Butcher's Theater

Joke Quotes Kellerman Quotes The Butcher's Theater Quotes

Reader: Dear Mr. Snicket, What is the best way to keep a secret? Lemony Snicket : Tell it to everyone you know, but pretend you are kidding.

Interview Quotes Joke Quotes Secrets Quotes

I never was so immensely tickled by anything I had ever said before. I actually woke up twice during the night, and laughed till the bed shook.

Sleep Quotes / Charles pooter Quotes Humor Quotes Joke Quotes The Diary of a Nobody Quotes Wakefulness Quotes Waking Quotes

The art world is the biggest joke going. It’s a rest home for the overprivileged, the pretentious, and the weak.

Art Quotes / Joke Quotes Privilege Quotes

What's the difference between a cat and a comma?One has claws at the end of its paws, and one is a pause at the end of a clause.

Joke Quotes The Mammoth Book of Really Silly Jokes Quotes

Someone once told me a joke," he said. "I'd like to be a pacifist, but people keep getting in the way.' I made a decision to fight for my friend in prison. It was a deliberate decision. It isn't the only way-it's just something I decided.

Decision Quotes Held Quotes Joke Quotes Pacifist Quotes Prison Quotes

Damn it. What are we exactly calling a 'masculine problem'? Did he have trouble running the flag up? Or did it fall to half staff?"Do we have to speak about this metaphorically or-""Yes," Leo said firmly."All right. He..." Poppy frowned in concentration as she searched for the right words, "... left me while the flag was still flying.

Cute Quotes Joke Quotes Lol Quotes Nasty Quotes Raunchy Quotes Risque Quotes

How is an elephant like a schizophrenic?”“I – what?”“An elephant never forgets.”He said nothing.“That’s an AI joke,” she said after a while.

Echopraxia Quotes Elephant Quotes Joke Quotes Schizophrenia Quotes

But that's why you pay for insurance, right? If you never file a claim, then they've beaten you.

Funny Quotes How to Talk to a Widower Quotes Insurance Quotes Joke Quotes

Pity, I've learned, is like a fart. You can tolerate your own, but you simply can't stand anyone else's.

Sadness Quotes / Fart Quotes Funny Quotes How to Talk to a Widower Quotes Humour Quotes Joke Quotes Pity Quotes

I'll never miss a chance to remind you of what a brat you were. A gloriously beautiful and very spoiled brat. I was utterly charmed by your complete self-absorption. It was rather like courting a cat.

Love Quotes / Beautiful Quotes Brat Quotes Cat Quotes Chance Quotes Charm Quotes City of Dragons Quotes

Jack didn’t fully get Jesus. Audrey tried to explain it, and he could repeat it back to her, word for word, but he still didn’t comprehend most of it. The best he could gather was that Jesus lived long ago, told people to be nice, and they killed him for it. At the end, he asked who was Jesus’ necromancer and if he was in the Bible, then Kaldar couldn’t stop laughing and had to sit down.

Children s pov Quotes Fate's Edge Quotes Humor Quotes Jesus Quotes Joke Quotes Necromancer Quotes

When in doubt, poke the beehive with a stick to see if anything interesting flies out.I clapped my hands. 'I had no idea Pit teams had such pretty cheerleaders. Can you do it again, but with more spirit this time?

Cheerleading Quotes Funny Quotes Joke Quotes Kate Quotes Magic Strikes Quotes

The world was a bad joke dreamed up by the Almighty on an off-day. I've always felt myself that he probably had a hangover that morning.

Almighty Quotes Bad Quotes Dream Quotes Hangover Quotes Joke Quotes World Quotes

Make it dark, make it grim, make it tough, but then, for the love of God, tell a joke.

Stories Quotes / Dark Quotes Humour Quotes Joke Quotes Perspective Quotes Writing Quotes

John Locke invented common sense, and only Englishmen have had it ever since!

Common sense Quotes English Quotes Funny Quotes Humor Quotes Invention Quotes Joke Quotes

I myself am convinced that the theory of evolution, especially to the extent to which it has been applied, will be one of the greatest jokes in the history books of the future. Posterity will marvel that so very flimsy and dubious an hypothesis could be accepted with the incredible credulity it has.

Closed mindedness Quotes Credulity Quotes Darwin Quotes Evolution Quotes Gullibility Quotes Joke Quotes

Just don't ask me to deliver any more satyr babies and we'll get along great.

Friendship Quotes / Humor Quotes Joke Quotes The Blood of Olympus Quotes

Getting some redecorating ideas?’ Nico asked. ‘Maybe you could do your dining room in mediaeval monk skulls.’ Hades arched an eyebrow. ‘I can never tell when you’re joking.

Family Quotes Joke Quotes The Blood of Olympus Quotes

It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.

Enjoy Quotes Humor Quotes Joke Quotes Prank Quotes The Last Olympian Quotes

Meanwhile, Milo had been in the Senate on that day until it was dismissed and then came home. He changed out of his formal clothes, waited for a little while his wife got herself ready--you all know how that goes-- and set out at the hour when Clodius, if he had been planning on coming back to Rome that day, would have returned.

Joke Quotes Sexist Quotes

This is a wonderful joke to play upon a prisoner, to promise forgiveness.

Forgiveness Quotes / Despereaux Quotes Joke Quotes Tales Quotes

I like to prowl ordinary places.I feel sorry for us all or glad for us allcaught alive togetherand awkward in that way.there's nothing better than the jokeof usthe seriousness of usthe dullness of us

Humanity Quotes / Alive Quotes Dull Quotes Dullness Quotes Feeling sorry Quotes Joke Quotes Life Quotes

I told Ersken, "Lately it's been like living on the knife's edge, never knowing which side I'll fall off on"Ersken clapped me on the shoulder as we stepped into the street. "Cheer up, Beka. Maybe you were going to fall off that razor's edge before, but not today," he said, as good humored as always. "Today we're doing to jump.

Bloodhound Quotes Fine line Quotes Humor Quotes Joke Quotes Uncertainty Quotes Walking the line Quotes

Dessert was an over baked chocolate chip cookies the size of a hockey puck and just about as tasty.

Cafeteria Quotes Dessert Quotes Food Quotes Funny Quotes Hoot Quotes Humour Quotes

A philosopher is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there. A theologian is the man who finds it.

Philosophy Quotes / Black cat Quotes Blind Quotes Cat Quotes Funny Quotes Humor Quotes Joke Quotes

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

Funny Quotes Humor Quotes Joke Quotes Kids Quotes Minority Report Quotes Respect Quotes

Honey, no offense, but sometimes I think I could shoot you and watch you kick.

Love Quotes / Honey Quotes Intimacy Quotes Joke Quotes Kick Quotes Offense Quotes Shoot Quotes

La situación actual se parece un poco al chiste que hacían los trabajadores de la antigua Unión Soviética: «¡Nosotros hacemos como que trabajamos y usted hace como que nos paga!»

Employer Quotes Joke Quotes Soviet union Quotes The End of Poverty Quotes

It's hard to live with people willing to send you to exile or death. It's hard to become intimate with them. It's hard to love them.

Joke Quotes

Never ever make a joke to the police, they have no sense of humour. Never make a political joke, it will always be considered an insult. Always remember that umbrage can be taken by the lift of an eyebrow. Remember that if offence can possibly be taken, it will be.

10 lb Penalty Quotes Insult Quotes Joke Quotes Offence Quotes

We end up kissing her for an hour, and her lips are so soft they are almost like a joke.

Joke Quotes Kiss Quotes Kissing Quotes Willful Creatures Quotes

But—let me tell you my cat joke. It's very short and simple. A hostess is giving a dinner party and she's got a lovely five-pound T-bone steak sitting on the sideboard in the kitchen waiting to be cooked while she chats with the guests in the living room—has a few drinks and whatnot. But then she excuses herself to go into the kitchen to cook the steak—and it's gone. And there's the family cat, in the corner, sedately washing it's face.""The cat got the steak," Barney said."Did it? The guests are called in; they argue about it. The steak is gone, all five pounds of it; there sits the cat, looking well-fed and cheerful. "Weigh the cat," someone says. They've had a few drinks; it looks like a good idea. So they go into the bathroom and weigh the cat on the scales. It reads exactly five pounds. They all perceive this reading and a guest says, "okay, that's it. There's the steak." They're satisfied that they know what happened, now; they've got empirical proof. Then a qualm comes to one of them and he says, puzzled, "But where's the cat?

Cat Quotes Joke Quotes Ontology Quotes The Three Stigmata of Palmer Eldritch Quotes

Viktor was swinging a leather duffle and wearing a black Adidas tracksuit and his favorite brown UGG slippers with a hole in the toe."Worn and old, just like Viv," he'd say when Frankie made fun of them, and then his wife would swat him on the arm. But Frankie knew he was just joking, because Viveka was the type of woman you wished was in a magazine just so you could stare at her violet-colored eyes and shiny black hair without being called a stalker or a freak.

Beauty Quotes Love Quotes / Admiration Quotes Clothing Quotes Daughter Quotes Husband Quotes Joke Quotes Monster High Quotes

What's the difference between Darling Cruel, the wind, and a vacuum? A vacuum only sucks. The wind only blows. But Darling sucks, blows, and swallows.

Born of Silence Quotes Cruel Quotes Joke Quotes

This wise old whiskery fish swims up to three young fish and goes, 'Morning, boys, how's the water?' and swims away; and the three young fish watch him swim away and look at each other and go, 'What the fuck is water?' and swim away.

Fish Quotes Infinite Jest Quotes Joke Quotes

As many as thirty or as few as ten years later, lying exhausted and still, eyes open in the dark long after the three suns of Rakhat had set, no longer bleeding, past the vomiting, enough beyond the shock to think again, it would occur to Emilio Sandoz to wonder if perhaps that day int he Sudan was really only part of the setup for a punchline a life-time in the making. It was an odd thought, under the circumstances. He understood that, even at the time. But thinking it, he realized with appalling clarity that on his journey of discovery as a Jesuit, he had not merely been the first human being to set foot on Rhakhat, had not simply explored parts of its largest continent and learned two of its languages and loved some of its people. He had also discovered the outermost limit of faith and, in doing so had located the exact boundary of despair. It was at that moment that he learned, truly, to fear God.

Faith Quotes Fear Quotes / Alien Quotes God Quotes Humor Quotes Joke Quotes The Sparrow Quotes

An old joke has an Oxford professor meeting an American former graduate student and asking him what he's working on these days. 'My thesis is on the survival of the class system in the United States.' 'Oh really, that's interesting: one didn't think there was a class system in the United States.' 'Nobody does. That's how it survives.

Class Quotes Hitch-22: A Memoir Quotes Humour Quotes Joke Quotes United states Quotes

It's just that I was thinking you don't ride in that truck of yours, you wear it.

Big driver Quotes Full Dark Quotes No Stars Quotes Joke Quotes

I don't have a thing," Tengo said, "except my soul.""Sounds like a job for Mephistopheles," she said.

Soul Quotes / 1Q84 BOOK 1 Quotes Demon Quotes Humour Quotes Joke Quotes Reference Quotes

I didn't pretend to know Eli at all, but even so, I'd noticed that his manner was slightly hard to read. It was something in the way he talked that made it difficult to tell whether he was kidding or serious or what. This bothered me. Or intrigued me. Or both.

Love Quotes / Curious Quotes Difficuly Quotes Feelings Quotes Infatuation Quotes Intrigue Quotes Joke Quotes

The combination of ammonia and chloride can be lethal but I've discovered it can work miracles as long as you keep telling yourself, "I want to love, I want to live...

Barrel Fever: Stories and Essays Quotes Cleaning Quotes Funny Quotes Humor Quotes Joke Quotes

The trouble with aggressive nonsmokers is that they feel they are doing you a favor by not allowing you to smoke. They seem to think that one day you'll look back and thank them for those precious fifteen seconds they just added to your life. What they don't understand is that those are just fifteen more seconds you can spend hating their guts and plotting revenge.

Barrel Fever: Stories and Essays Quotes Funny Quotes Humor Quotes Joke Quotes Vindictive Quotes

I said I kicked a French chicken in the stomach once." "Huh?" "It said, 'Oeuf.'" "What is that?" "It's a joke. Do you want to hear another, or have you already had un oeuf?

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close Quotes Joke Quotes

Oh, no-" They weren't even on the runway, and Jonah's father was already immersed in his BlackBerry. "Remember those 'Live Large with the Wiz Generation' posters? Well, guess how that translates into Chinese- 'Jonah Wizard Makes Your Ancestors Fat'.

Mistake Quotes / Humor Quotes Joke Quotes Jonah wizard Quotes The Emperor's Code Quotes Translation Quotes

58 Joke Quotes & Sayings with Wallpapers & Posters - Quotes.Pub