99+ Jay Leno Quotes on Christianity, Humor and Media - Quotes.pub

Here you will find all the famous Jay Leno quotes. There are more than 99+ quotes in our Jay Leno quotes collection. We have collected all of them and made stunning Jay Leno wallpapers & posters out of those quotes. You can use this wallpapers & posters on mobile, desktop, print and frame them or share them on the various social media platforms. You can download the quotes images in various different sizes for free. In the below list you can find quotes in various categories like Christianity, Humor and Media

Today is Valentine’s Day – or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!

Valentines day Quotes

If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

The FCC is considering lifting the ban on cellphone calls on planes. The good news is you’ll be able to make calls during your flight. The bad news? The person sitting next to you will be able to make cellphone calls during yourflight.

Tonight was the CNN primary debate with the four remaining candidates. It was kind of a change for Newt Gingrich. Usually when he’s arguing with three people at once, it’s his wife, his ex-wife, and his mistress.

Anyway, a spokesman for Barack Obama says the prisoners that are released from Guantanamo will either be sent back to their home countries or enter the New York City cab driver training program.

Well, there’s a bright side to this for Ken Lay. You know, throughout the years Ken Lay has been a big campaign contributor to the Republican Party. So now, he’ll be able to meet with those same people when he goes to prison.

John Kerry announced that he and his wife are leaving on a week-long vacation. He’s going to take her back to the place where he first proposed to her – at her bank.

The first case of mad cow disease since 2006 was discovered right here in the United States. The good news, since the cow is in California, instead of putting the cow down, they are going to enroll him in anger management classes.

Tonight the Republican presidential candidates had a big debate, 10 candidates. The last time that many rich white guys got together, I think Exxon merged with Mobil.

When you do late-night TV, you do different jokes in the same place every night. When you’re on the road as a comedian, you do the same jokes in a different place every night.

President Bush says he has just one question for the American voters, ‘Is the rich person you’re working for better off now than they were four years ago?’

Never perform for your family. They either laugh too hard or not at all.

President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner played golf this weekend. Obama’s handicap is Joe Biden.

A new study says that working fewer hours can slow global warming. So you know what that means? President Obama’s economic policy is also his climate change policy.

Michele Bachmann told reporters that she will lead the nation in prayer if she is elected president. You know if she is elected president, we all better be praying. She doesn’t have to lead us.

The FBI announced today that they are now looking for Osama bin Laden’s financial adviser. You think this guy is in demand. How good can he be? his top client is living in a cave and driving a donkey. It doesn’t sound like he is getting the best return on his investments to me.

In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court ruled President Obama’s healthcare mandate is constitutional. This is a major victory for President Obama, who spent three years promoting it, and a major setback for Mitt Romney, who spent three years creating it.

I was in the ROTC. Of course, ROTC stood for ‘Running off to Canada.’

When Clinton said he was going to create 8 million new jobs, I didn’t think they were all going to be tax collectors.

President Bush got a little upset with a reporter for calling him ‘sir’ instead of ‘Mr. President.’ Man, how upset is he going to be after the election when they start calling him George again?

Kerry is well on his way to reaching his magic number of 2,162. That’s the total number of delegates he needs to win the Democratic nomination. See for President Bush it’s different – his magic number is 5. That’s the number of Supreme Court judges needed to win.

You know, it shows how old I am. I can remember the good old days when the president picked the Supreme Court justices instead of the other way around.

Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.

Barack Obama said yesterday that the economy was ‘going to get worse before it gets better.’ See, that’s when you know the campaign is really over. Remember before the election? ‘The audacity of hope!’ ‘Yes, we can!’ ‘A change we can believe in!’ Now it’s, ‘We’re all screwed.’

President Bush admitted that the United States went to war in Iraq based on bad intelligence. But he says knowing what we know now he would still do it again. So at least we’re learning from our mistakes.

It looks like Rudy Giuliani is out of the race. Finally, a Republican with an exit strategy.

Al Jazeera aired a new tape of Osama bin Laden. It was the usual stuff, he called Bush evil, the Great Satan, called him a war monger. Basically, the same thing you heard at last night’s Democratic debate.

50% of Americas population spends less than 10 dollars a month on romance. You know what we call these people? Men!

Romance Quotes

More and more facts coming out about Osama bin Laden. You know, he never sleeps in the same place two nights in a row, just like Clinton.

The Queen of England jumped out of a helicopter and parachuted into the stadium. What was even more amazing was when Prince Charles flew in using his ears as a hang glider.

US officials have now approved the first anti-obesity drug for dogs. I’m no a veterinarian, but if your dog is over eating, try putting a little less food in the bowl. Do we really need to give him a pill? Is the dog taking your car keys and driving to McDonalds?

Johnny Walker, the American that fought for the Taliban, is now talking with an Arabic accent. Have you heard him? It’s ridiculous. I know how we should handle him. Let’s bring him back here and take him to Cleveland Browns stadium and dress him up as a referee. They’ll know how to take care of him!

President Bush and Bill Clinton both agree that cloning is morally wrong. Clinton said that he thinks humans should be made the old-fashioned way – liquored up in a cheap hotel room.

According to The Washington Post, the NSA has been monitoring phone calls and emails of people in Mexico. So apparently it’s not enough to spy on American citizens, they feel they have to spy on FUTURE American citizens as well.

But the good news, the crime rate is down. Isn’t that amazing? Less banks are being robbed. Well, sure. A, there’s less banks. B, the banks don’t have any money left. And C, nobody’s got gas money for the getaway car. So, right there, crime is down!

A lot of people are now criticizing Attorney General John Ashcroft for his policy on detaining what he considers suspicious people. I think he’s going a little overboard. Today, he arrested the entire band Foreigner.

President Bush said it’s now time for a change in Iraq and he wants them to have a Western-style democracy like ours. So right now in Iraq, the economy is collapsing, businessmen are corrupt, and Hussein wants his son to take over as president. Sounds like mission accomplished.

A lot of controversy over this possible invasion of Iraq. In fact, Nelson Mandela was so upset, he called Bush’s dad. How embarrassing, when world leaders start calling your father.

Enron’s president, Ken Lay, passed away last week. So, I guess even God lost money on that Enron deal. I believe the official cause of death was listed as “karma.” The family asked in lieu of flowers, please send some elderly retiree’s entire life savings.

You know who Boehner is, right? He’s that orange looking guy. See, for Republicans that counts as diversity.

Over in Iraq after you vote they paint your finger purple so you can’t vote again. It’s a flawless system. It works perfectly unless, of course, someone has paint remover.

In his speech last night, John Kerry said this was the beginning of the end of the Bush administration. I agree. Sure, it may take another five years, but this is it.

According to a British poll, you’ve only got a one in five chance of achieving your childhood career ambition. Which probably explains why you don’t run into that many cowboys, princesses, or space rangers.

Bill Clinton is the only ex-president who hasn’t planned his own funeral. But, in his defense, in the past he has said he wants to be buried next to Hillary. I guess he figures he never slept next to her when they were alive, might as well try it now that they’re dead.

USA Today reports that the number of death row executions this year has hit a 35-year low. They attribute that to DNA evidence clearing more people and the fact that Rick Perry has been on the road campaigning.

In Chicago some anti-Mitt Romney protesters told reporters they’re being paid to protest. They said they’re being paid by Democrats to stand outside and chant anti-Romney slogans. Well, who says President Obama isn’t creating any new jobs?

Rumors have restarted that the Republican ticket will not be Bush-Cheney. But today those rumors were put to rest when Cheney said, ‘No, I’m keeping him on the ticket.’

Genetic scientists say that one day it will be possible to grow new body parts, like new breasts and new hands. It’s going to be a huge moneymaker, because you know that as soon as women grow another breast, men will want another hand.

Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to be people in this town couldn’t wait to get an envelope full of white powder.

The Republican debate got pretty heated. They spent most of their time arguing over who God called first.

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