Funny Quotes

Here you will find all the famous Funny quotes. There are more than 1743+ quotes in our Funny quotes collection. We have collected all of them and made stunning posters out of those quotes so you can use Funny quotes wallpapers and images to share on the various social media platforms. You can download the quotes posters in various different sizes for free.

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men . . . Read more

-Chris Rock
The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

-George Carlin
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It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.

-Marilyn Monroe
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I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

-Mark Twain
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Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.

-Ellen DeGeneres
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Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.

-Lemony Snicket
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Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.

-Albert Einstein
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When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

-Cathy Guisewite
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A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

-James Patterson
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If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

-Jerry Seinfeld
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

-Rodney Dangerfield
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That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

-George Carlin
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A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.

-Bill Cosby
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Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

-Yogi Berra
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If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

-Lawrence Ferlinghetti
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Damn, Claire. Warn a guy before you do a face-plant on the floor next time. I could have looked all heroic and caught you or something -Shane

-Rachel Caine
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Can you surf really well, then?"I looked at Grover, who was trying hard not to laugh."Jeez, Nico," I said. "I've never really tried."He went on asking questions. Did I fight a lot with Thalia, since she was a daughter of Zeus? (I didn't answer that one.) If Annabeth's moth . . . Read more

-Rick Riordan
Um...is that thing tame?" Frank said.The horse whinnied angrily."I don't think so," Percy guessed. "He just said, 'I will trample you to death, silly Chinese Canadian baby man'.

-Rick Riordan
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

-Rodney Dangerfield
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I don't hate you.. I just don't like that you exist

-Gena Showalter
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Perv."He pointed to himself. "Male and eighteen. What's your point?

-Rachel Caine
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She's strong! And scary...I bet she's single...I'd put money on it..

-Masashi Kishimoto
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Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they'd lock us up?"All the time.

-Wendy Mass
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What makes big boobs and perkiness so attractive to boys? I mean, really. Two round, mounds of fat and a fake smile. Yeah, winning attributes.

-Gena Showalter
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Do you want a cookie?- What?- A cookie. Like an Oreo. Do you want one?- No.- How can you not want a cookie?- I just don't.- Okay, fine,let's say you did want a cookie. Let's say you were dying for a cookie, and there were cookies in the cupboard. What would you . . . Read more

-Nicholas Sparks
Puns are the highest form of literature.

-Alfred Hitchcock
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Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.

-Robert Benchley
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Don't gobblefunk around with words.

-Roald Dahl
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Ten Things You Shouldn't Say on a Date.1. You're wearing that?2. Something smells funny.3. Where's the Tylenol?4. And to think, I first wanted to date your brother.5. I have a confession to make…6. My dad has a suit just like that.7. That man is hot. Look . . . Read more

-Gena Showalter
Can I come in?No! I'm in a towel!I'm blind!

-James Patterson
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