99+ Funny Quotes & Sayings with Wallpapers & Posters - Quotes.Pub

Here you will find all the famous Funny quotes. There are more than 99+ quotes in our Funny quotes collection. We have collected all of them and made stunning Funny wallpapers & posters out of those quotes. You can use this wallpapers & posters on mobile, desktop, print and frame them or share them on the various social media platforms. You can download the quotes images in various different sizes for free. In the below list you can find quotes by some of the famous authors like Oscar Wilde, Chris Rock and George Carlin

My grandfather rode a camel, my father rode a camel, I drive a Mercedes, my son drives a Land Rover, his son will drive a Land Rover, but his son will ride a camel.

Funny Quotes

Don’t worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you’ll have to ram them down people’s throats.

Funny Quotes

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Funny Quotes

The successful man is the one who finds out what is the matter with his business before his competitors do.

Funny Quotes

Success in almost any field depends more on energy and drive than it does on intelligence. This explains why we have so many stupid leaders.

Funny Quotes

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Funny Quotes

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Funny Quotes

Due to budget cuts the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

Funny Quotes

Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

Funny Quotes

The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.

Success Quotes / Funny Quotes

A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him.

Attitude Quotes / Funny Quotes

The best things in life are free. The second best are very expensive.

Funny Quotes

The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.

Funny Quotes

The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.

Funny Quotes

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Funny Quotes

Why join the navy if you can be a pirate?

Funny Quotes

Sometimes people deserve a high five, in the face, with a chair.

Funny Quotes

The real trouble with reality is that there is no background music.

Funny Quotes

I need a six month vacation twice a year.

Funny Quotes

Dear Karma, I have a list of people that you missed.

Funny Quotes

Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.

Boss Quotes Funny Quotes

If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses.

Motivational Quotes / Funny Quotes

The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary.

Motivational Bodybuilding Quotes / Funny Quotes

Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they'd lock us up?"All the time.

Flotsam Quotes Funny Quotes Humor Quotes Jeremy fink Quotes Jeremy Fink and the Meaning of Life Quotes Jetsam Quotes

Only Uncle Pascha ignored her. He was contemplating his chessboard. She doubted that he'd move his piece today. It had been his turn for only six months. Once, he had gone three years between moves. He preferred a leisurely game.

Love Quotes / Chess Quotes Drink Quotes Slay Quotes Funny Quotes

Tonight he was a firm adherent to the classic McCloud school of thought; plant bugs first, apologize later.

Edge of Midnight Quotes Funny Quotes

He must have screwed hundreds of girls in his effort to get that chick out of his system. Hadn't worked so far, but hey. He was nothing if not persistent.

Edge of Midnight Quotes Funny Quotes

Lovers do things together! They rent videos, they ride Ferris wheels, they go out for pizza, they play Scrabble. They . . . they talk!''Talk?' He lifted his head and frowned, his eyes puzzled. 'We talk all the time, Raine. I've never had such talkative sex.''That's just it!' She wiggled, flailed, but couldn't budge him. 'Two minutes alone with you, and I'm flat on my back. Every single time!'A slow, knowing grin spread over his face. 'Is this your way of telling me you want to be on top?

Behind Closed Doors Quotes Funny Quotes Humor Quotes Relationships Quotes Sex Quotes

I' before 'E' except after 'C', and when sounded like 'ay' as in neighbor and weigh, and on weekends and holidays, and all throughout May, and you'll always be wrong no matter what you say!

Funny Quotes Humor Quotes Live Quotes

We needed a refrigerator for our new place and I've never bought a refrigerator my whole life. I went into the appliance store, there's like 900 of 'em lined up, there's a salesman there. What's this guy supposed to say about refrigerators? "Well you got this refrigerator here, This keeps all your food cold for 600...You've got this refrigerator, This keeps all your food cold for 800...Check this out, 1400, keeps all your food cold.

Comedy Quotes Funny Quotes I walked on the moon Quotes

Funny Quotes

Mrs. Russell made us both sit down with a glass of milk. "And I have a special treat for you," she said. I'm not lying. She really said that. I held my breath because of the last special treat at the Daughertys', but it didn't help, because when Mrs. Russell came back, she came back with a loaf of banana bread. Banana bread! And James said, "How about we have some jam with that?" and Mrs. Russell said, "Jam? Then you wouldn't be able to taste the bananas," and James said, "Ma, I hate bananas," and she said, "But I'm sure that Doug enjoys them," and I said, "I think I'm still full from lunch, so the milk's fine," and then Mrs. Russell picked up the plate with the banana bread on it, and you might not believe this, but she started to laugh and laugh a d laugh, until Mr. Russell came out to the kitchen to see what was so funny and she showed him the banana bread and he said, "I hate bananas," and we all started to laugh until Mrs. Russell said, "I hate bananas too," and you can imagine us all laughing until we were crying and finally Mrs. Russell took the banana bread outside to break it up for the birds-"Let's hope they like bananas"-and then I showed Mr. Russell Aaron Copland's Autobiography: Manuscript Edition, and he stopped laughing.

Banana bread Quotes Funny Quotes Laughter Quotes Okay for Now Quotes

OKAY. So I was going to the library every Saturday. So what? So what? It's not like I was reading books or anything.

Funny Quotes Okay for Now Quotes

I have a secret. A big, fat, hairy secret. And I’m not talking minor-league stuff, like I once let Joseph Applebaum feel me up behind the seventh-grade stairwell or I got a Brazilian wax after work last Friday or I’m hiding a neon blue vibrator called the Electric Slide in my night table. Which I’m not, by the way. In case you were wondering.

Funny Quotes Howling at the Moon Quotes

Others wonder, if the Bogey isn’t wearing his pants, who is?

Funny Quotes May Bird Among the Stars Quotes Power Quotes Who wears the pants Quotes

Toby twisted around. "Boo." Emily screamed.

Flawless Quotes Funny Quotes

Faculty Meetings are held whenever the need to show off is combinedwith the imperative of accomplishing nothing.

Darconville’s Cat Quotes Funny Quotes

The great thing about writing fiction is that you can do whatever the fuck you want, go as far as you are willing to go, and laugh at the people who take it seriously.

Inspirational Quotes / Author Quotes Dark Quotes Fiction Quotes Funny Quotes Humor Quotes Writing Quotes

Adam's hot Pheebs! Admit it girl. That body is like some kind of happy experiment. It's like he was manufactured in a nympho scientist's secret laboratory

Funny Quotes Generation Dead Quotes Margi Quotes

Yep those are goosebumps. Or a bad case of arm acne. Or as I call it, armcne.

Funny Quotes Generation Dead Quotes Phoebe Quotes

One of these days I'm gonna beat him in the face with the butt of my service revolver until an eyeball pops out. These are the thoughts that keep me happy.

Chew Quotes Vol. 3: Just Desserts Quotes Funny Quotes Humor Quotes Violence Quotes

I didn’t respond to that. I’m not scared of heights. I’m just scared of falling from heights.

Funny Quotes Heights Quotes Humour Quotes The Frost-Haired Vixen Quotes

I often say if men were meant to fly we would have been born with either feathers and wings or at the very least parachutes that pop out of our butts.

Flying Quotes Funny Quotes Humour Quotes The Frost-Haired Vixen Quotes

I remembered the last time I put this thing into my eye it was more painful than watching old political speeches while listening to the “Macarena” and having a root canal performed by an angry, clumsy chimp.

Pain Quotes / Funny Quotes Humour Quotes The Frost-Haired Vixen Quotes

My second thought was to fire a gunshot, but the last time I did that his security robots jumped me. It only takes one cavity search by a robot to convince you that’s an experience you don’t want to have twice. This called for a more subtle approach.

Funny Quotes Humour Quotes Search Quotes The Frost-Haired Vixen Quotes

The thingy? You want me, the most intelligent cognitive processor in the known worlds, to say thingy?”“Yes,” I reaffirmed. “That is correct."Do you stay up nights thinking of ways to humiliate me?" HARV asked.

Funny Quotes Humour Quotes The Frost-Haired Vixen Quotes

It was an office of a guy who won’t take spam from anybody.

Funny Quotes Humour Quotes The Frost-Haired Vixen Quotes

She now represents the Western United States, thus proving politics is even more accepting of the strange, unusual, and mostly useless than the music industry.

Funny Quotes Humour Quotes Politics Quotes The Frost-Haired Vixen Quotes

Like my old mentor would always say, "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice and I’ll be dead.’’ Okay, she wasn’t a good poet, but that lady could handle her whiskey.

Funny Quotes Humour Quotes Sayings Quotes The Blue-Haired Bombshell Quotes

I firmly believe that if you can't fool all of the people all of the time you should start breeding them for stupidity.” - Weisshaupt

Cerebus Quotes Comic Quotes Comic book Quotes Funny Quotes Graphic novel Quotes Weisshaupt Quotes