Top 99 Anthony Jeselnik Quotes of All time - Quotes.Pub

Here you will find all the famous Anthony Jeselnik quotes. There are more than 99 quotes in our Anthony Jeselnik quotes collection. We have collected all of them and made stunning posters out of those quotes so you can use Anthony Jeselnik quotes wallpapers and images to share on the various social media platforms. You can download the quotes posters in various different sizes for free.

That’s the worst way you can hear about comedy material: from a third person’s blog story that they wrote when they were upset.

I never knew if I would get my own show, but I knew I loved stand-up.

One of my favorite things on the show was just getting to do my own monologue and talking about someone who killed themselves, or making a joke about some horrible tragedy – I love being able to fight for and get on TV. I just think it’s so different.

I don’t think people shouldn’t try to be edgy, but you have to take what the audience says to you in consideration.

I guess I prefer the laughs. I couldn’t do a whole set of just shocks, but I like throwing a fastball inside every now and then to keep people on their toes.

I don’t have much racial stuff in my act. And no one’s ever really threatened me to my face. Threats on the internet don’t bother me so much.

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I’ll think is funny.

I don’t think Metallica sits around all day wondering why country music fans don’t embrace them.

If I tell a joke on stage and the crowd laughs for a minute, I stand there for a minute and enjoy them laughing before I go on to the next joke. On TV, if I stand there for a minute while they laugh, I look like an idiot who can’t remember the next joke.

I got into comedy because I wanted to get into writing.

I’m fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I’ve ever had growing up could attest.

I enjoyed writing for someone elses voice, but I wasnt very good at it.

I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I’d prefer it to be aborted.

Ellen Barkin, your upcoming TV show ‘The New Normal’ premiers on September 11th. September 11th, that sounds about right. Every clip I’ve seen feels like I’m watching a third tower collapse.

The driving force behind doing everything that I’ve been doing as a stand-up is having problems with authority and not liking to be told what to do.

Tom Cruise’s pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.

I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldnt be the bad guy in the joke; he couldnt upset people, really.

I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.

Watching soccer just makes me wish I was watching Foosball.

I can stand by a tweet. But Comedy Central said they couldn’t publicly support me, unless I deleted it. I wasn’t about to tell the people who work for me that they didn’t have jobs anymore because I wasn’t going to delete a stupid tweet.

Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number.

I think a theater show is a pure version of me doing my material. The theater crowd is a bit more polite, there really aren’t hecklers, and there are a lot of people there to see me, and they’re excited about the jokes and hanging out with me for a show.

I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.

I always loved comedy, but it never seemed like something that I could do professionally.

My favorite part of going to a wedding is ruining the wedding.

It was important to me to be cool as a comedian. I didn’t want to be a crowd-pleaser who sent out the vibe of, “I need you guys.” I wanted to be so cool that the audience could leave and I would still be killing, that I didn’t want to have to rely on them or need them. That really appealed to me.

Disgusting. I just found my grandpa’s Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.

The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.

It seemed fun to play a villain on stage and I wanted my jokes to be so good that I could just calmly tell them on stage.

Fun Quotes

In a late-night monologue, it’s not just about being funny; you have to come off as knowledgeable. You have to cultivate a persona of trust and intelligence and likeability.

I don’t want to wake up with cops surrounding my bed tonight.

I try to write three jokes every morning, although I don’t know what they are. I write them as fast as I can, then I put them away for a month. So I couldn’t even tell you what they are, or if they’re good. I just assume they weren’t.

I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is an attorney. My mother is a housewife. They had five kids in seven years: me, my brother, and three sisters. I’m the oldest. We were all very active. My mother was exhausted.

I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of humor.

Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst.

Everyone gets laid off and everyone in Hollywood gets unemployment for six months while they’re looking for a new job. So I would just do stand-up for six months and think I was really making it, and when my unemployment ran out, I had to get another job immediately.

I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.

I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking.

In the second grade, I would just get bored and a joke would pop into my head and I would have to say it. It was almost like I had some brilliant novel in my head that I had to get down, and I would interrupt class all the time and get in trouble.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn’t know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I’m not a comedy writer, I’m a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say.

On the show, you have to be more charismatic, a little smoother, but I think I can still be that prince of darkness. You just have to learn the tricks of the TV trade as well.

I’ve always been fascinated by dark subjects, especially people’s reactions to them. Why are people so uncomfortable talking about death if everyone dies?

Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.

I never go see live comedy shows because I just sit in the audience thinking, “Here’s what I would say. Here’s what I would do if I got up there.” It drives me crazy.

An offended audience member repeating a comedian’s act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.

I try to retire jokes as soon as I can once I put them on an album. But I can’t think of anything I just stopped doing for no reason.

I don’t have a type, really. But I’ve always been more attracted to girls who yell fire.

I don’t ever want to have kids of my own. But I do want a lot of kids.

I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that’s what drew me to them in the first place.

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