99+ Alfie Kohn Quotes on Gold stars, Punished by Rewards: The Trouble with Gold Stars and Parenting - Quotes.pub

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How well you do things should be incidental, not integral, to the way you regard yourself.

Like any other tool for facilitating the completion of a questionable task, rewards offer a “how” answer to what is really a “why” question.

Most of us would protest that of course we love our children without any strings attached. But what counts is how things look from the perspective of the children.

The dominant problem with parenting in our society isn’t permissiveness, but the fear of permissiveness. We’re so worried about spoiling kids that we often end up over controlling them.

When we do things that are controlling, whether intentional or not, we are not going to get those long-term outcomes.

A society in which no one is willing to risk being called a troublemaker is a place where power is certain to be abused.

Very few things are as dangerous as a bunch of incentive-driven individuals trying to play it safe.

Unconditional parents want to know how to do something other than threaten and punish. They don’t see their relationship with their children as adversarial, so their goal is to avoid battles, not win them.

We complain loudly about such things as the sagging productivity of our workplaces, the crisis of our schools, and the warped values of our children. But the very strategy we use to solve those problems – dangling rewards like incentive plans and grades and candy bars in front of people – is partly responsible for the fix we’re in. We are a society of loyal Skinnerians, unable to think our way out of the box we have reinforced ourselves into.

What can we surmise about the likelihood of someone’s being caring and generous, loving and helpful, just from knowing that they are a believer? Virtually nothing, say psychologists, sociologists, and others who have studied that question for decade.

There are different kinds of motivation, and the kind matters more than the amount.

We learn most readily, most naturally, most effectively, when we start with the big picture – precisely when the basics don’t come first.

The value of a book about dealing with children is inversely proportional to the number of times it contains the word behavior.

How can we do our best when we are spending our energies trying to make others lose – and fearing that they will make us lose?

John Dewey reminded us that the value of what students do ’resides in its connection with a stimulation of greater thoughtfulness, not in the greater strain it imposes.

When was the last time you spent the entire day with only 42 year olds?

You have to give them unconditional love. They need to know that even if they screw up, you love them. You don’t want them to grow up and resent you or, even worse, parent the way you parented them.

Students get the message bout what adults want. When 4th graders in a variety of classroomswere asked what their teachers most wanted them to do, they didn’t say, “Ask thoughtful questions” or “Make responsible decisions” or Help others.” They said, “Be quiet, don’t fool around, and get our work done on time.

A preoccupation with achievement is not only different from, but often detrimental to, a focus on learning. Thoughts and emotions while performing an action are more important in determining subsequent engagement than the actual outcome of that action.

Maximum difficulty isn’t the same as optimal difficulty.

The race to win turns us all into losers.

If rewards do not work, what does? I recommend that employers pay workers well and fairly and then do everything possible to help them forget about money. A preoccupation with money distracts everyone – employers and employees – from the issues that really matter.

Grades dilute the pleasure that a student experiences on successfully completing a task.

Don’t let anyone tell you that standardized tests are not accurate measures. The truth of the matter is they offer a remarkably precise method for gauging the size of the houses near the school where the test was administered.

As Thomas Gordon pointed out, ‘Parents who find unacceptable a great many things that their children do or say will inevitably foster in these children a deep feeling that they are unacceptable as persons.’ That doesn’t change just because the parents remember to say soothingly, ‘We love you, honey; we just hate almost everything you do.

If faculty would relax their emphasis on grades, this might serve not to lower standards but to encourage an orientation toward learning.

Contrary to what you think, your company will be a lot more productive if you refuse to tolerate competition among your employees.

When test scores go up, we should worry, because of how poor a measure they are of what matters, and what you typically sacrifice in a desperate effort to raise scores.

Students should not only be trained to live in a democracy when they grow up; they should have the chance to live in one today.

We have so much to cover and so little time to cover it. Howard Gardner refers to curriculum coverage as the single greatest enemy of understanding. Think instead about ideas to be discovered.

Standardized testing has swelled and mutated, like a creature in one of those old horror movies, to the point that it now threatens to swallow our schools whole.

To control students is to force them to accommodate to a preestablished curriculum.

In education, parody is obsolete.

Those who know they’re valued irrespective of their accomplishments often end up accomplishing quite a lot. It’s the experience of being accepted without conditions that helps people develop a healthy confidence in themselves, a belief that it’s safe to take risks and try new things.

Social psychology has found the more you reward people for doing something, the more they tend to lose interest in whatever they had to do to get the reward.

Whoever said there’s no such thing as a stupid question never looked carefully at a standardized test.

Unconditional parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason.

The late W. Edwards Deming, guru of Quality management, once declared, ‘The most important things we need to manage can’t be measured.’ If that’s true of what we need to manage, it should be even more obvious that it’s true of what we need to teach.

Punishments and rewards are two sides of the same coin and that coin doesn’t buy you much.

Do rewards motivate people? Absolutely. They motivate people to get rewards.

We can’t value only what is easy to measure; measurable outcomes may be the least important results of learning.

In outstanding classrooms, teachers do more listening than talking, and students do more talking than listening. Terrific teachers often have teeth marks on their tongues.

Assessments should compare the performance of students to a set of expectations, never to the performance of other students.

Punishments erode relationships and moral growth.

To feel controlled is to lose interest.

To be well-educated is to have the desire as well as the means to make sure that learning never ends.

Grades are a subjective rating masquerading as an objective evaluation.

Being a team player should not imply a demand for simple obedience and conformity.

People will typically be more enthusiastic where they feel a sense of belonging and see themselves as part of a community than they will in a workplace in which each person is left to his own devices.

Saying you taught it but the student didn’t learn it is like saying you sold it but the customer didn’t buy it.

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